Dawn Schiller: The Road Through Wonderland
In this exclusive interview, Independent Film Quarterly’s Jill Noel spoke with Dawn Schiller as she discussed her chilling memoir “The Road Through Wonderland: Surviving John Holmes.” “The Road Through Wonderland” is a compelling account of Schiller who was a 15-year-old innocent child who then-32-year-old Holmes befriended, groomed, and fell in love with in the mid to late 70s. In the 2003 James Cox film “Wonderland,” Kate Bosworth’s portrayal first gave the public a glimpse into Schiller’s painful and fragile teenage years while under the control of John Holmes (played by Val Kilmer). In 2010, Dawn Schiller released her heartbreaking and inspiring memoir that delves deep into the cerebral abyss of her thoughts, life, youth, struggles and truth.
IFQ: I’ve noticed that extremely talented actors and writers in the entertainment industry seem to have the common thread of a youth filled with struggle and adversity. When you decided to tell your story in your memoir “The Road Through Wonderland: Surviving John Holmes,” did you have any formal training in writing?
Dawn Schiller (DS): I came to writing with a background full of extreme struggle and adversity, but no formal training. I had always written poetry. In the book, I write about falling into poetry as a way to explain the insanity around me. That’s really my best memory of involvement in creative writing. John [Holmes] destroyed most of the poems I wrote as a teenager. One poem I wrote during that time did survive called “Pretty Bird.” It’s dark, but it got me through desperation and it’s in the book.
To be honest, I never thought I would write my book. I thought someone else, a “real” writer, would put it down on paper. There were people who said they wanted to write it, but for lots of reasons that didn’t pan out. I started writing my book after the movie “Wonderland.” Telling my story was something that James Cox (Director of “Wonderland”) and Holly Wiersma (Producer of “Wonderland”) who worked the closest with me on the movie, encouraged me to do. They knew that the movie would only be able to tell part of it. Also, while filming “Wonderland,” Val Kilmer decided to create a photo-collage of the Wonderland story. After we finished shooting, he called me and asked for a chronology of my experience. I did and it turned into eleven pages. Val said, “There’s your book!” That gave me the confidence to embark on a journey that, although I had the enthusiasm, would find I had no experience. What I really attribute any writing success to is practice. It took six years to complete, and with a ton of rewrites I found a voice. I joined a writer’s group and listened to criticism, and learned to do that terrible thing-divorce my sweethearts (favorite paragraphs, etc.). That’s pretty much it. I did take a creative non-fiction course at my university after I had written the book, which helped during the final editing, but that is as far as formal training goes. So maybe a typical writing process coupled with a clear understanding of emotional turmoil in my life and a poetic ear all helped to create a writing style that is my own.
IFQ: Several times you mention: “so I do what I am told.” How long did it take to completely take your power back and know that you are the only one in control of your life?
DS: We all feel out of control at times in life. Like all kids, I had to rely on the adults in my life to teach me how to be balanced and healthy, but I didn’t have anyone who fit the bill. Those adults, my parents, were not healthy or balanced themselves and were incapable of teaching me how to not be vulnerable. All I remember wishing for, besides being a gold medal gymnast, was to have good people around me that could step in for my parents as mentors and help show me how to grow into an adult. I was lost, scared and confused. What was a good adult? I wanted to be one, but didn’t understand how to get there. I felt like an observer of my own life, waiting to see what it meant to be in this world. What was obvious to me was that everything and everyone had more control than I did. I needed guidance, but instead John stepped in. In me he saw someone who had no power in her life, and would be easy to manipulate and possess. When that kind of theft of spirit happens to a young soul like me, it almost becomes ingrained in their identity. Getting control of my life was a monumental task. Learning how to find my own voice, and not fall into another controlling situation after John was hard. It took a long time for me. I had a lot of wounds to heal after John, and things didn’t really change or get better for me until I got clean and sober. It was hard not to medicate the emotional pain I had, but I needed to in order to deal with the damage inside me and learn how to not be miserable in life. I attribute a lot to counseling—specifically trauma focused sessions—hard work, but worth it. With time, things get better and today I know I have attainable choices in life. I live a life of integrity and am passionate that I spend my time doing meaningful activities.
IFQ: In your book, you discuss the writing process as a form of self-healing. How have you healed since writing the book?
DS: It’s an unending process. One of the best things in writing about memories, especially ones that encompass your childhood, [is that it] allowed me to be an outsider looking in. Although I walked through the emotions as they were happening to me, another part of me was able to be a rational, clear-minded adult that had empathy for my younger self. That was important because much of the residual pain that I bore as I grew older had to do with the inability to feel any love for myself. In writing, I was telling my memories of violence and sadness and at the same time was able to have empathy for me, that little girl, that teen, that young adult that so many had turned their backs on. It was like building a bridge over the gap of disassociation that happened to me in order to survive the pain, but was struggling to have later in life.
Also, what became clear to me as I was writing, was that this was not only my story, but the story of many young girls who, for whatever reason, never had the opportunity to tell about the abuse or neglect they endured, how they felt, how they struggled, how they survived. My writing was motivated, almost catapulted, by that knowledge. Their voices were almost screaming to be heard and I was determined to be a vehicle for us all. As strange as that might sound, it put my intent or writing my story in the right place and knowing that gave me great healing as well. As tough as it was to write on so many days, and it was tough, I felt so strongly that I was doing a good thing that was about more than just me.
IFQ: You mention that your family knew about the abuse once you told them, but you never talked about the most humiliating things you had to endure. Were you apprehensive about writing any of the details in the book? How did your family react and handle these facts once the book was released?
DS: I was nervous, but I knew my intent was to tell the story of the young girl that saw a world negatively unfold around her in a way she didn’t understand. It was how a kid sees life, and I was so strongly driven to tell this story that I knew would resonate with many. For the most part, my family was supportive. I don’t think that anyone saw me as exploiting them or trying to deliberately drag them over the coals because of the past. There was some genuine sorrow; also, for how things turned out back then and we looked back wishing things would have been better. I think that is how it happens in a lot of families. Life breaks down around them. Even with the best of intentions, if they are unable to handle hardships the consequences fall on the children who really have no way to manage their lives. I also talk to many people from the book and there were amends made. I especially talk to Harriett (the lady who lived at the Glendale cottages) a lot these days. She is amazing. She and Marty got married and have been happy for many years. It is validating to hear how she remembers me as quiet and shy. We basically acknowledge how bad it was, and again, how we wished things would have been better.
IFQ: Moving forward, can you fill us in on your upcoming projects?
DS: I was contracted to write the biography of Helen (Wrigley) Rosburg, an heiress of the Wrigley Chewing Gum family. I’ve been researching for a few months now— traveling to Chicago, Lake Geneva and Florida to conduct interviews. I just started writing the manuscript. Helen’s story is one that will touch everyone. As in my book, I hope to bring the audience into a world that they would never expect from a woman born into such an American legacy. I’m extremely honored to be able to tell the world her story, not only because the name Wrigley is a national name, but also because I feel so connected to her on a personal level. Her voice resonates with me, and I feel that I can put words to her heart in a way that she will approve. People will be amazed at her strength, and I believe the world will be a better place for knowing her.
Another project that I’ve been dedicated to is a play I wrote and then adapted into a screenplay for a short. It is tentatively called “Fireflies” and is kind of my story in reverse. It shows through stage and film the separation of the soul through events caused from destructive forces imposed on a child, and the end result of ultimate loss. It is my story, without the happy ending, which in truth is more likely to happen to an abused teen. I want people to realize that although I made it out okay, most do not.
IFQ: Have you set a tentative release date for the biography?
DS: We are looking at Spring 2014 at the moment.
IFQ: How do you spend your days now?
DS: I just graduated from Eastern Oregon University with my B.S. in Liberal Studies and a minor in Communications and Gender. I founded and run a non-profit called E.S.T.E.A.M. (Empowering Successful Teens through Education, Awareness & Mentoring). I speak nationally at universities, conferences and high schools through private contact or the APB Speaker’s Bureau on the topic of “throwaway” teen advocacy and teaching communities about the vulnerabilities of our teenagers to predators and traffickers. People can contact me to speak at their events personally or at http://www.apbspeakers.com/speaker/dawn-schiller.
Above all else, I am a mom to an amazing 12-year-old daughter. She has a horse and I’m the typical mom who takes her to riding lessons, stock show and fair competitions, etc. James Cox of “Wonderland” hires her on his films and she enjoys working as a featured extra with him.
IFQ: Can you tell us more about E.S.T.E.A.M.?
DS: I started E.S.T.E.A.M. in 2009 with the intent to raise awareness of the teens that are affected by abuse or neglect and offer communities solutions to help.
Currently, we have a model camp called “Mirrors of Me,”—an art, writing and mentoring camp that gives high school age girls the opportunity to spend a week taking their life experiences and transforming them into a work of written, visual and musical art. This is a healthy expression of defining themselves instead of internalizing the negative messages that can be caused by abuse or neglect.
We believe that every teen has the potential for greatness regardless of their parental situation, and we hope to be able to bring this mentoring camp model into many communities and develop one for teenage boys as well. Educating communities is important to us and getting information out to them is essential. It takes funding to put up an active website, produce brochures and email blasts for updates to those who are interested and continue to develop mentoring events. Our website is at www.empowerteens.com. We are a registered 501(c) 3 non-profit and appreciate any and all support.